The Book
by Brainfreeze23
Summary: Murdoc and 2D are interviewed for a second autobiography, when the questions start to take a bit of a strange turn.  No doubt that THIS book is going to be a little more personal... Slash


**Hm, well...this is just something I did for fun one night while I was feeling...quite sad. And yet, this is not really sad at all.**

**In fact, I would go as far as to say...it may be slightly humorous.**

**I don't really know what it is. But I was trying to write it in the style of Rise of The Ogre.**

**It was coming along quite well...but then I ran out of ideas, so I just stopped it. I don't know if I would like to write more.**

**RATING: T for swearing and sexual references.**

**GORILLAZ BELONG TO DAMON ALBARN, JAMIE HEWLETT AND CASS BROWNE.**

**Okay, thanks for clicking...here it is.**

**Murdoc: **"Little bugger pretty much finished all over the both of us in about two seconds though, as I recall. Guess a year in a coma'll do that to a chap. Although, ...looking back now, I suppose it wasn't really fair to me now was it? Being as I was -ahem, rather 'involved' eh, mate?"

**2D:**"Sod off, Murdoc."

**Murdoc: **"Ah, yes. Well, that didn't make it any less of a lovely yet rather...cumbersome exploit, now did it facheache? No doubt it was your first go handling such...uncharted equipment anyway."

**2D groans rather evidently.**

**2D: **"I'd only just woken up from my coma, really. Me mum hadn't been home from work yet when we got back to my flat."

**He takes a drag from a stale cigarette before continuing.**

**2D ****(With ****reluctance): **"I wasn't such a young bloke...even back then when I was...well, y'know...younger..."

**...**

**2D: **"Than I am now..."

**Murdoc: **"He really is remarkable."

**2D: **"...Anyway. I wasn't, er...innocent really. Shagged a few birds...I'd even mucked about with some of me mates before. I think...that's what they told me anyway."

**Murdoc: **"Is he always like this?"

**2D: **"Shut up, Murdoc. Excuse me...why're we even talking about this? ...Is this for the new record...? I didn't know we was doing a new record...am I on this record?"

**It's a new book, darling. I think you're writing a new book.**

**2D: **"Oh! I've written a book, have I?"

**Um-**

**2D: **"Brilliant...wait, why is me shagging Murdoc gonna be in the book for..."

**Murdoc: **"Ah."

**Yes, that's what we would like to get back to.**

**2D: **"Wait, so...what part of the book is this then?"

**The part where you explain what happened between you and Murdoc that first night alone in your flat?**

**2D: **"..."

**...**

**2D: **"...Whose flat are we in...?"

**Oh bother.**

**Murdoc: **"Stand aside, sunbeam. Uncle Murdoc has this handled for you. You must understand...poor bloke probably doesn't even remember a damn thing."

**So, in the flat?**

**Murdoc: **"Ah, yes. Well, as Mr. 2D so eloquently explained for us previously...his dear ol' mum had not yet returned from her shift at the local brothel...where I believe she worked part-time as a-"

**2D: **"Me mum's a nurse, ya' bloody bastard..."

**Murdoc: **"Potato, tomato...it hardly changes the outcome of our little endeavor."

**2D: **"Can I go for a slash?"

**Murdoc: **"So, there we were, standing straighter than a couple of olympic divers...see, I had recently become acquainted with 2D's little knack for the ivories...and well, paint me dazzled. Little had I known! My...er...what's the fellow's real name? I seem to have forgotten..."

**Stuart.**

**Murdoc: **"There we are, yes. Ahem- MY Shtoowart! The bloody sod I'd so been taking such dear care of for months! And he could play! In MY band! I knew right then, it was going to be fucking brilliant mate. He was brilliant!"

**2D: **"...Really?"

**Murdoc: **"Never I finer thing had I heard, faceache."

**2D appears visibly enlivened by this.**

**2D: **"Thanks, Murdoc!"

**Well, that's lovely.**

**Murdoc: **"Due to the laws of evolution so skillfully put in place by dear daddy nature...things could only escalate from that point onward."

**2D: **"...What happened after that?"

**He certainly does bounce back.**

**Murdoc: **"You were a bit slow in talking, really. Can't ever imagine why...but nevertheless we started up a nice little chat. I reckon it was our mutual love for...er...the more punk side of things that really got things going."

**2D: **"Oh, yeah?"

**Murdoc: **"It would seem so, dullard. As I recall, you were set on putting on a few records...but see...I had other things in mind."

**Scandalous.**

**Murdoc: **"I do hate to admit it...but I was somewhat enthralled you see. Here's how it is...if you shut 2D's mouth, he isn't really too bad of a f-...a chap, really. And see, I did plan on keeping his mouth rather shut."

**2D apparently has no trouble understanding what it is being implied.**

**2D: **"...So...-"

**Murdoc: **"Oh, calm your knickers...it was almost completely voluntary on my part."

**2D: **"...I don't understand..."

**Murdoc: **"I don't really want to go into too much detail on this bit...but the little sod was randy as fuck. I think he was looking for an excuse to get a good wank in...or out, as you might say...but, I could be wrong."

**2D says nothing in response to this.**

**Murdoc: **"As I said, after a year of being a vegetable of sorts...you can imagine he was more than a bit-"

**2D: **"Can we just stop right here..."

**Murdoc: **"Don't be such a sensitive milksop, you muppet."

**2D: **"I just dun' fink this is any of this lot's business, Murdoc."

**Murdoc: **"Shut it, twat. You're spoiling the mood."

**2D: **"But, Murdoc..."

**Murdoc: **"So, anyway, I'll get straight to the point- first thing you should probably know is...snogging our singer here is a bit like having a go with an washing machine of sorts. Though, have you seen his choppers? I assure you, there is **plenty **of room in there."

**2D ****whines ****and ****buries ****his ****face ****in ****his ****enormous ****hands.**

**2D ****(muffled): "**Yeah, well...a word of advice- if you're ever gonna shag Murdoc. Bring a set of tongs."

**Murdoc: "**He _is _right you know."

**...**

**Murdoc: "**So anyway, uh..."back to the point of the matter." As Jamie T would tell you..."

**He snickers at himself.**

**Murdoc: "**I think I speak for everyone when I say that this bloke here...is quite the messy one; if you would allow me to elaborate-"

**2D: "**Having a go at Murdoc is more horrifying than fixin' your mop wif a chainsaw."

**Murdoc: "**Yes, well. It hasn't stopped you on more than one occasion."

**Oh dear, I do apologize...as that is all I've written up. I'm also very sorry if any of my writing seems a bit too close to ROTO dialogue...as I've read that book at least 900 times...it's like my bible. If certain parts seem a bit too much like parts from the book, please let me know...it was NOT my intention to copy- merely to parody.**

**Um...thank you for reading anyway.**


End file.
